In a matter of seconds....

This past week has been a myriad of emotions. Fear. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Anticipation. Helplessness. The list could go on. January 4, as so many of us were planning how not to ruin our resolutions shortly after the new year began, two families were experiencing unimaginable tragedy.

The first family I didn't know personally, but just the nature of the tragedy tugged at my heart strings. A mother, her two children, and her nephew were traveling along when all of a sudden their world changed. In the matter of seconds, the excitement still lingering from the holidays and the anticipation of returning to the final semester of this school year were a fleeting memory. Crash. Shattering glass. Crunching metal. Squealing tires. Screams. Silence. Is everyone ok? What just happened? Where am I? I don't know the thoughts of that mother as the moments after the accident happened, or even if she was conscious. In just a matter of seconds, this mother and her nephew were injured and in need of immediate medical care. Her two young sons are gone. Never again to play with the toys they got for Christmas. Never again to laugh and play with their friends. Never to experience the joy of graduation, marriage, becoming fathers. Never again. Two counties away, a father is being told that there's been an accident. An EMT who understands all to well what tragedies can come from traffic accidents. Never really thinking that it would be him on the other side of the situation. Who told him? Was he on the seen? What's he thinking? How do I tell my wife that our boys are gone? Will we survive this? I can only imagine how it would feel to know that in a matter of seconds your entire world has been dramatically and tragically altered. The only thing I can do is to pray. Pray for this precious family. Pray for the father who will have to be an emotional rock for his wife, who is still in need of surgeries and therapy. Pray for the mother who has to face the reality that she was behind the wheel the night her babies died. Pray for the nephew who was also in the vehicle. Pray for the parents of these key players in this tragedy. Pray that this family knows the amazing comfort that is Jesus Christ and that those precious babies are now walking with him and will suffer no more. Pray that they can have the understanding and comfort that this life is but a fleeting moment and they will see their boys again. Pray. Pray. Pray.

Earlier on this same day, another life was tragically coming to an end. A life that touched so many people in just 26 short years. A life that was so promising....on the outside. On the inside, there was hurt, depression, helplessness. A young man with so much responsibility at such a young age. In a matter of seconds, this young man felt that there was no other way out, no other option than to take his own life. A wife, twin 7 month old girls, parents, extended family and friends. All left behind to try to make sense of the helplessness that you felt. I can't even begin to imagine how they felt. I only know how I felt the moment I found out the news. I was shocked. I think I was literally in a state of shock. I didn't "feel" anything. I didn't think that I was entitled to feel sad or angry because I only knew you for a season and even then it was in passing. For almost two days, I didn't "feel". I walked around in a sort of fog. I went through the motions of living my life, but I wasn't really present. I saw without really seeing; spoke with automatic responses; spaced out. Monday, Jan 7 I finally started to feel again. And I was angry. I was so angry at you for leaving your beautiful wife and girls to face this life without you. Though there were problems going on, and no one can really know what you felt, I was angry. Did you know what you were doing? Did you even think about your daughters in the moments before you ended it all? Did you think about your family-your parents? Brothers and sisters? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents? And in the midst of all of these questions and the anger I felt, I had a disturbing revelation. If someone like you, someone so grounded in your faith, someone who truly knew what it meant to be a servant, could be affected to such a level as to take his own life, then any of us could be affected. All it takes is one thing, one minute little thing, for Satan to get his foot in the door. The hell that he raises once inside is devastating. Not everyone can handle it. And he knows just how to twist and manipulate and explode that weakness to the point of no return. Then, and only then, is the destruction he produces evident to the rest of us. I can't say that that revelation made me feel better, but surprisingly it eased my anger. For two hours I waited to pay my last respects. Many times I thought of just leaving the funeral home. I didn't really know anyone. I'd never met your parents or siblings. Yes, several times I almost stepped out of line and went back home. But I didn't. I thought over and over about what I would say when I finally got to the front of the line. Would there be numbness? Would they even remember I was there? Would I matter? Do you really understand how much your son's life inspired others?

Finally, it was my turn to see you. To see your mother. I finally cried when your mom reached her arms out to me and hugged me. I introduced myself and told how much you'd touched my life in the just the few short years that I'd know you. But it was totally different than I'd expected it to be. When she asked who I was, she really wanted to know. She really hugged me. She was really appreciative that I'd come to pay my respects. In that instant, I knew everything would be ok. I knew that your family shared the same faith that you'd demonstrated time and again. She knew that, even though the circumstances were very, very tragic, she would see you again some day. I've only experienced that feeling one other time following the death of a loved one. It's the feeling of God's presence in the midst of tragedy. It's the peace and comfort that only He can provide. I sat in my car for a while after I left and just cried. And cried. And cried. I understood that I needed to be at that place, in that moment, and experience God's spirit in such a mighty and comforting way. Hugh Hagen, you were an amazing young man and I consider myself truly blessed to have known you, if only for a short time. I look forward to sharing paradise with you when my time comes.

I've wanted to write this entry for 8 days now. I finally came to a place where I could put these feelings into words and let go once and for all. I finally came to the understanding that God is in control and that it's ok to let go of the wheel. I don't have to be in control and have it all together 100% of the time. It's ok to cry.....Ok to be angry......Ok to yell and scream.......Ok to be scared.....Ok to feel anything and everything.......Ok not to be perfect......Ok to..........Ok.....