A friend of mine, who is also an inspiration to me, said it best in her latest blog post.......I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. You can read this post by following the link below.
http://onepassionaterun.blogspot.com/2013/06/get-angry.html
That is the conclusion that I came to after reading this entry. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is my new motto for at least the next 13 weeks. First a little background of how I got to this place.
I am about 40 pounds overweight for my height. I know this. I have accepted this. It didn't happen overnight, (actually over the last 5 years) but boy it sure seemed like it. I have high cholesterol and several of my joints hurt. I have made excuse after excuse about why I allowed myself to do this to my body. It was this drug or that illness or if I could only do this, that would happen.
Over this past weekend, I downloaded an app that offers training for a half marathon. Now I've always been semi-active, but a half marathon? I'd lost my mind and had almost convinced myself of that fact when I read the afore mentioned blog entry.
It's like a light switch flipped. This was no one and nothing's fault but my own. THIS WAS MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!! I allowed myself to make unwise choices and go get fast food or pop in a pizza instead of cooking a nutritious meal. And let's not forget those late night snacks. :)
Well, no more. Did you hear me? NO MORE!!!!! For the next 13 weeks, I will be training for a half marathon for the sole purpose of getting my body back into the healthy state that it, and I, deserve. And who knows, I might just pick a half marathon to try.
I am not going to let Satan discourage me anymore. That little nag of doubt that says I'm not good enough for that. I'm too tired. I'm too out of shape. I'm too........the list could go on and on. Once I accepted the fact that this was my fault and I could change it, I got the will power I needed to make a change.
Yesterday was day one of the half marathon training. The goal was to warm up walk 5 mins, alternate 3 min run/2 min walk seven times, then cool down walk 5 mins. Now don't misunderstand. I did not get out there and follow this pattern tit for tat. I'm not that good. :) I did not give up. I DID NOT GIVE UP! I stuck with it and by the end I was jogging for 2 1/2 minutes of the 3 min run portion. At the beginning I could only go about 30 seconds at a time.
I DID NOT GIVE UP. I stuck with it and persevered until the end. I didn't give in to the little voice inside my head that said, "My legs hurt. I should stop so I don't hurt myself." It would have hurt more to quit. So I persevered. I kept repeating to myself, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." Over and over for 35 minutes.
I'm going to do this. I'm going to get healthy. I'm going to get my body ready to handle anything that comes my way. I'm going to get my body in shape to carry a baby so that when Brack and I get to that point, I don't have to worry about it. I can do this. It is possible.
13 weeks.
13 weeks.
I CAN DO THIS!!!! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Plans
Ok. So I haven't done very well with this whole blogging thing. It's already Memorial Day and I haven't written anything since January. I don't even know where to begin because so much has happened in the last four months. I guess I'll just start from here and not try to recap all that's happened. I'd be here forever. :)
I am getting over an upper respiratory infection that I desperately tried to avoid. I went to the doctor, got meds, and everything BEFORE I even had full blown symptoms. Oh well. I guess God needed me to slow down for something. I'm still a little upset that I had to miss my girls weekend at the beach because of this mess......but what's a girl to do? When God says rest, you rest. You don't exactly argue with the Almighty.
The next couple of weeks are going to be quite busy for the Dukes. Brack leaves tomorrow to go to Cairo for Robbie's graduation Thursday. I know, Thursday. That's Cairo for ya. :) He will return on Friday and I will be hosting my first Premier Jewelry party. I'm super excited, I just wish I'd thought far enough ahead to realize that it is graduation weekend in north Georgia too. Haha. Go me.
This weekend will be quite relaxing for me. Brack has to work aaallll weekend. Even Monday. Don't these people know it's a holiday? I will be doing a final run through of the house to make sure that everything is as neat and clean as possible because next Thursday, after Memorial Day, we will be leaving our home for 10 whole days. It's our first "real" vacation in 5 years. When I say "real" I mean like take a whole week off and actually go somewhere that isn't just to visit family or a quick weekend trip. To say I'm excited is an understatement. This will be the first time since our honeymoon that we have gone on a trip just the two of us, with no agenda, or schedule, or anyone to keep up with but us. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!
We will start our trip by going to Cairo Thursday night to drop Zippy off at Tam and Papa's house (my parents). He will get to spend an enormous amount of time with this Uncle Leroy (my parent's border collie). I'm sure he'll probably shun us when we get back because he's never spent more than a couple of days away from us. Friday morning, Brack's mom will take us to the airport and we will embark on our five day trip to..................................................................................................................
I am getting over an upper respiratory infection that I desperately tried to avoid. I went to the doctor, got meds, and everything BEFORE I even had full blown symptoms. Oh well. I guess God needed me to slow down for something. I'm still a little upset that I had to miss my girls weekend at the beach because of this mess......but what's a girl to do? When God says rest, you rest. You don't exactly argue with the Almighty.
The next couple of weeks are going to be quite busy for the Dukes. Brack leaves tomorrow to go to Cairo for Robbie's graduation Thursday. I know, Thursday. That's Cairo for ya. :) He will return on Friday and I will be hosting my first Premier Jewelry party. I'm super excited, I just wish I'd thought far enough ahead to realize that it is graduation weekend in north Georgia too. Haha. Go me.
This weekend will be quite relaxing for me. Brack has to work aaallll weekend. Even Monday. Don't these people know it's a holiday? I will be doing a final run through of the house to make sure that everything is as neat and clean as possible because next Thursday, after Memorial Day, we will be leaving our home for 10 whole days. It's our first "real" vacation in 5 years. When I say "real" I mean like take a whole week off and actually go somewhere that isn't just to visit family or a quick weekend trip. To say I'm excited is an understatement. This will be the first time since our honeymoon that we have gone on a trip just the two of us, with no agenda, or schedule, or anyone to keep up with but us. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!
We will start our trip by going to Cairo Thursday night to drop Zippy off at Tam and Papa's house (my parents). He will get to spend an enormous amount of time with this Uncle Leroy (my parent's border collie). I'm sure he'll probably shun us when we get back because he's never spent more than a couple of days away from us. Friday morning, Brack's mom will take us to the airport and we will embark on our five day trip to..................................................................................................................
Las Vegas!!!!!!!!!
That's right. I am super psyched because I've never been any further west than Alabama. Sad, I know. We will stay on the Strip and see the Hoover Dam, Grand Canyon, and even LA while we are out there. (Look for more posts that week of how the festivities are going)
The next Wednesday we will fly back to Tallahassee and head back to Cairo to stay until the following Sunday. My dad's 60th birthday is June 7th and we are going to have a surprise party for him. I can't wait. He's gonna be so mad.....hehehe.
I can't wait because it's going to be so nice to just get away and not have a schedule or anything to worry about while we are gone. Woohoo!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Understanding
Wow. I don't know what else to say. I awoke a little disappointed this morning because I couldn't sing. I've just gotten my voice back after last weekend in Pigeon Forge. After our service this at Calvary this morning, I was grateful for my lack of singing voice.
Had I been able to sing today, I'm almost certain I would have missed truly experiencing God's presence this morning. I've never experienced anything like the service this morning. I saw a side of my pastor that I feel doesn't come out very often.
Open. Raw. Unashamed. Transparent. Passionate.
A reminder that pastors are human just like the rest of us. Gary's love for us, his brothers and sisters in Christ, was abundantly clear this morning. He was truly burdened for us this morning. He listened to the Spirit's leading and shared a sermon that I'm sure stepped on all of our toes. I know it did mine.
The title of the sermon was "What are you hiding?" The focus scripture was Joshua 7. I won't repeat the entire sermon, because I'm sure I could never recreate the sermon to it's fullest potential. The main key points were:
Had I been able to sing this morning, I would have been distracted from what was to follow that message. An invitation that was so full, people couldn't get all the way to the alter. One young lady followed God's call and chose to publicly proclaim her salvation through baptism. Another family joined our church. So many people chose to answer God's call on their lives and walk through the Door of Hope before it was eternally too late.
Revival truly came to Calvary Baptist Church today. God's presence was everywhere and very evident. I can only pray that I don't let that feeling die during this week and that it will be seen by everyone I encounter.
I thank You, Lord, for Your ever present grace and mercy. I'm am most unworthy of Your love, yet You chose me. You loved me enough to allow Your only Son to come and suffer agony and die in the cruelest way possible just so that I would have would have access to Your presence. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't miraculous. It wasn't on the front page of every newspaper or magazine or television. You were mocked. Spit on. Beaten. Stabbed. Humiliated. Nailed to a cross and left to die. All so I could know the mercy and unconditional love that only You provide. I come humbly to Your throne.
I thank You for the little things in life that allow me to move out of the way and let Your presence truly enter my heart, mind, and soul. I thank You for chance after chance after chance that You grant so that I can ask Your forgiveness for my failures. I fail every day. Sometimes small failures. Sometimes extremely large failures. Thank You for not pouring out Your wrath and anger on me after just one shortcoming.
Lord, I commit my life back into You hands...the beautiful hands that made me and knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. (Jeremiah 1:5) You know the plans that You have for my life. I pray that you would take myself out of the equation and let Your glory shine through me each and every day that I'm on this earth. Guide my footsteps so that I may live to Your perfect will. Take me as Your own and mold me into all that You would have me to be.
Amen.
Had I been able to sing today, I'm almost certain I would have missed truly experiencing God's presence this morning. I've never experienced anything like the service this morning. I saw a side of my pastor that I feel doesn't come out very often.
Open. Raw. Unashamed. Transparent. Passionate.
A reminder that pastors are human just like the rest of us. Gary's love for us, his brothers and sisters in Christ, was abundantly clear this morning. He was truly burdened for us this morning. He listened to the Spirit's leading and shared a sermon that I'm sure stepped on all of our toes. I know it did mine.
The title of the sermon was "What are you hiding?" The focus scripture was Joshua 7. I won't repeat the entire sermon, because I'm sure I could never recreate the sermon to it's fullest potential. The main key points were:
- Your sin affects others. (v 1-12)
- Your sin has an allure. (v 21)
- Your sin will be uncovered. (v 13-19)
- Your sins will have consequences. (v 25-26)
Had I been able to sing this morning, I would have been distracted from what was to follow that message. An invitation that was so full, people couldn't get all the way to the alter. One young lady followed God's call and chose to publicly proclaim her salvation through baptism. Another family joined our church. So many people chose to answer God's call on their lives and walk through the Door of Hope before it was eternally too late.
Revival truly came to Calvary Baptist Church today. God's presence was everywhere and very evident. I can only pray that I don't let that feeling die during this week and that it will be seen by everyone I encounter.
I thank You, Lord, for Your ever present grace and mercy. I'm am most unworthy of Your love, yet You chose me. You loved me enough to allow Your only Son to come and suffer agony and die in the cruelest way possible just so that I would have would have access to Your presence. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't miraculous. It wasn't on the front page of every newspaper or magazine or television. You were mocked. Spit on. Beaten. Stabbed. Humiliated. Nailed to a cross and left to die. All so I could know the mercy and unconditional love that only You provide. I come humbly to Your throne.
I thank You for the little things in life that allow me to move out of the way and let Your presence truly enter my heart, mind, and soul. I thank You for chance after chance after chance that You grant so that I can ask Your forgiveness for my failures. I fail every day. Sometimes small failures. Sometimes extremely large failures. Thank You for not pouring out Your wrath and anger on me after just one shortcoming.
Lord, I commit my life back into You hands...the beautiful hands that made me and knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. (Jeremiah 1:5) You know the plans that You have for my life. I pray that you would take myself out of the equation and let Your glory shine through me each and every day that I'm on this earth. Guide my footsteps so that I may live to Your perfect will. Take me as Your own and mold me into all that You would have me to be.
Amen.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
A Night of Firsts
(Disclaimer: I started this post on Friday, Jan 18 and didn't complete it until Jan 20)
So Brack and I are in Pigeon Forge with the youth of CBC for the Strength to Stand conference. Needless to say it's already been a weekend of firsts....and we've only been going since 4:30 this afternoon.
Our first "first" is that this is the first time that either of us has chaperoned anything like this. There are 36 kids ranging in age from 6th grade to 12th grade. I must say, though, that we do have a really good group of kids accompanying us on this trip.
The second "first" is that I drove a 15 passenger van full of girls, yes teenage girls, all the way from Rome, GA to Pigeon Forge. I've driven 15 passengers before (I worked at Enterprise Rent-A-Car) but never when it was full of people, let alone teenage girls. Thankfully Brack was there to keep me sane. ;-)
About the time we got to Knoxville, we started seeing snow on the sides of the interstate. Of course, the girls loved this and were trying to take pictures through the window, at night. :-) Yeah, that didn't work. haha. We assured them that they would see plenty at our destination that they could take pictures of.
Finally, we arrived at the cabin. I am the 3rd and final van in our convoy. Nic Hann, our youth leader, is in the first, and Lacie is in the middle. As we begin our ascent up the mountain to the cabin, the snow begins increasing on both sides. Then we start experiencing ice. Yes, ice. Ok, so not only is this my first time driving a 15 passenger van full of teenage girls, it is definitely my first time driving a vehicle of any kind up a mountain covered in ice and snow.
Of course the story doesn't end there. We are about halfway up the mountain when we turn down the wrong road, which of course goes downhill. Well...of coursewe can't turn around because all of the spaces are either occupied or covered in ice. So what does that mean? It means that I have to BACK UP the hill that we just drove down. Yes, I said BACK UP...as in GO BACKWARDS....up a hill with snow and ice on each side without hitting the wall, a vehicle, or a cabin. I must say that, thanks to helpful navigating by my husband and God's grace, we made it back to an empty parking space and i was able to pull in. I only did this because, of course, I see headlights in my rear view mirror. Someone was trying to come down the road that we were trying to get off of.
Oh yes, it gets better. We finally get turned around and headed back out of the hole that we were in, when a big church bus, the vehicle that was coming towards us, decided that it was going to park right where we needed to get out. Oh some people. We finally get back to the main road and turn left to go up yet another hill. Of course, there is some ice on the turn so we have to cut it wide to avoid the ice. by the time I go, I've got this down from watching the first two vans. I'm feeling pretty good, but it was short lived.
Nic went down the hill fine, but Lacie had to stop and hit a patch of ice about midway down. She skidded and started heading toward the cliff on the left. When I saw, I got over and tried to avoid it, but low and behold I hit it too. Thankfully I was able to keep control and I went towards the wall on the right instead of the cliff. Give me a wall over a cliff any day of the week. :)
We finally made it to the main cabin and to everyone inside to eat.
Can't wait to see what other "firsts" God's gonna do the rest of this weekend!!!
So Brack and I are in Pigeon Forge with the youth of CBC for the Strength to Stand conference. Needless to say it's already been a weekend of firsts....and we've only been going since 4:30 this afternoon.
Our first "first" is that this is the first time that either of us has chaperoned anything like this. There are 36 kids ranging in age from 6th grade to 12th grade. I must say, though, that we do have a really good group of kids accompanying us on this trip.
The second "first" is that I drove a 15 passenger van full of girls, yes teenage girls, all the way from Rome, GA to Pigeon Forge. I've driven 15 passengers before (I worked at Enterprise Rent-A-Car) but never when it was full of people, let alone teenage girls. Thankfully Brack was there to keep me sane. ;-)
About the time we got to Knoxville, we started seeing snow on the sides of the interstate. Of course, the girls loved this and were trying to take pictures through the window, at night. :-) Yeah, that didn't work. haha. We assured them that they would see plenty at our destination that they could take pictures of.
Finally, we arrived at the cabin. I am the 3rd and final van in our convoy. Nic Hann, our youth leader, is in the first, and Lacie is in the middle. As we begin our ascent up the mountain to the cabin, the snow begins increasing on both sides. Then we start experiencing ice. Yes, ice. Ok, so not only is this my first time driving a 15 passenger van full of teenage girls, it is definitely my first time driving a vehicle of any kind up a mountain covered in ice and snow.
Of course the story doesn't end there. We are about halfway up the mountain when we turn down the wrong road, which of course goes downhill. Well...of coursewe can't turn around because all of the spaces are either occupied or covered in ice. So what does that mean? It means that I have to BACK UP the hill that we just drove down. Yes, I said BACK UP...as in GO BACKWARDS....up a hill with snow and ice on each side without hitting the wall, a vehicle, or a cabin. I must say that, thanks to helpful navigating by my husband and God's grace, we made it back to an empty parking space and i was able to pull in. I only did this because, of course, I see headlights in my rear view mirror. Someone was trying to come down the road that we were trying to get off of.
Oh yes, it gets better. We finally get turned around and headed back out of the hole that we were in, when a big church bus, the vehicle that was coming towards us, decided that it was going to park right where we needed to get out. Oh some people. We finally get back to the main road and turn left to go up yet another hill. Of course, there is some ice on the turn so we have to cut it wide to avoid the ice. by the time I go, I've got this down from watching the first two vans. I'm feeling pretty good, but it was short lived.
Nic went down the hill fine, but Lacie had to stop and hit a patch of ice about midway down. She skidded and started heading toward the cliff on the left. When I saw, I got over and tried to avoid it, but low and behold I hit it too. Thankfully I was able to keep control and I went towards the wall on the right instead of the cliff. Give me a wall over a cliff any day of the week. :)
We finally made it to the main cabin and to everyone inside to eat.
Can't wait to see what other "firsts" God's gonna do the rest of this weekend!!!
Monday, January 14, 2013
In a matter of seconds....
This past week has been a myriad of emotions. Fear. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Anticipation. Helplessness. The list could go on. January 4, as so many of us were planning how not to ruin our resolutions shortly after the new year began, two families were experiencing unimaginable tragedy.
The first family I didn't know personally, but just the nature of the tragedy tugged at my heart strings. A mother, her two children, and her nephew were traveling along when all of a sudden their world changed. In the matter of seconds, the excitement still lingering from the holidays and the anticipation of returning to the final semester of this school year were a fleeting memory. Crash. Shattering glass. Crunching metal. Squealing tires. Screams. Silence. Is everyone ok? What just happened? Where am I? I don't know the thoughts of that mother as the moments after the accident happened, or even if she was conscious. In just a matter of seconds, this mother and her nephew were injured and in need of immediate medical care. Her two young sons are gone. Never again to play with the toys they got for Christmas. Never again to laugh and play with their friends. Never to experience the joy of graduation, marriage, becoming fathers. Never again. Two counties away, a father is being told that there's been an accident. An EMT who understands all to well what tragedies can come from traffic accidents. Never really thinking that it would be him on the other side of the situation. Who told him? Was he on the seen? What's he thinking? How do I tell my wife that our boys are gone? Will we survive this? I can only imagine how it would feel to know that in a matter of seconds your entire world has been dramatically and tragically altered. The only thing I can do is to pray. Pray for this precious family. Pray for the father who will have to be an emotional rock for his wife, who is still in need of surgeries and therapy. Pray for the mother who has to face the reality that she was behind the wheel the night her babies died. Pray for the nephew who was also in the vehicle. Pray for the parents of these key players in this tragedy. Pray that this family knows the amazing comfort that is Jesus Christ and that those precious babies are now walking with him and will suffer no more. Pray that they can have the understanding and comfort that this life is but a fleeting moment and they will see their boys again. Pray. Pray. Pray.
Earlier on this same day, another life was tragically coming to an end. A life that touched so many people in just 26 short years. A life that was so promising....on the outside. On the inside, there was hurt, depression, helplessness. A young man with so much responsibility at such a young age. In a matter of seconds, this young man felt that there was no other way out, no other option than to take his own life. A wife, twin 7 month old girls, parents, extended family and friends. All left behind to try to make sense of the helplessness that you felt. I can't even begin to imagine how they felt. I only know how I felt the moment I found out the news. I was shocked. I think I was literally in a state of shock. I didn't "feel" anything. I didn't think that I was entitled to feel sad or angry because I only knew you for a season and even then it was in passing. For almost two days, I didn't "feel". I walked around in a sort of fog. I went through the motions of living my life, but I wasn't really present. I saw without really seeing; spoke with automatic responses; spaced out. Monday, Jan 7 I finally started to feel again. And I was angry. I was so angry at you for leaving your beautiful wife and girls to face this life without you. Though there were problems going on, and no one can really know what you felt, I was angry. Did you know what you were doing? Did you even think about your daughters in the moments before you ended it all? Did you think about your family-your parents? Brothers and sisters? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents? And in the midst of all of these questions and the anger I felt, I had a disturbing revelation. If someone like you, someone so grounded in your faith, someone who truly knew what it meant to be a servant, could be affected to such a level as to take his own life, then any of us could be affected. All it takes is one thing, one minute little thing, for Satan to get his foot in the door. The hell that he raises once inside is devastating. Not everyone can handle it. And he knows just how to twist and manipulate and explode that weakness to the point of no return. Then, and only then, is the destruction he produces evident to the rest of us. I can't say that that revelation made me feel better, but surprisingly it eased my anger. For two hours I waited to pay my last respects. Many times I thought of just leaving the funeral home. I didn't really know anyone. I'd never met your parents or siblings. Yes, several times I almost stepped out of line and went back home. But I didn't. I thought over and over about what I would say when I finally got to the front of the line. Would there be numbness? Would they even remember I was there? Would I matter? Do you really understand how much your son's life inspired others?
Finally, it was my turn to see you. To see your mother. I finally cried when your mom reached her arms out to me and hugged me. I introduced myself and told how much you'd touched my life in the just the few short years that I'd know you. But it was totally different than I'd expected it to be. When she asked who I was, she really wanted to know. She really hugged me. She was really appreciative that I'd come to pay my respects. In that instant, I knew everything would be ok. I knew that your family shared the same faith that you'd demonstrated time and again. She knew that, even though the circumstances were very, very tragic, she would see you again some day. I've only experienced that feeling one other time following the death of a loved one. It's the feeling of God's presence in the midst of tragedy. It's the peace and comfort that only He can provide. I sat in my car for a while after I left and just cried. And cried. And cried. I understood that I needed to be at that place, in that moment, and experience God's spirit in such a mighty and comforting way. Hugh Hagen, you were an amazing young man and I consider myself truly blessed to have known you, if only for a short time. I look forward to sharing paradise with you when my time comes.
I've wanted to write this entry for 8 days now. I finally came to a place where I could put these feelings into words and let go once and for all. I finally came to the understanding that God is in control and that it's ok to let go of the wheel. I don't have to be in control and have it all together 100% of the time. It's ok to cry.....Ok to be angry......Ok to yell and scream.......Ok to be scared.....Ok to feel anything and everything.......Ok not to be perfect......Ok to..........Ok.....
The first family I didn't know personally, but just the nature of the tragedy tugged at my heart strings. A mother, her two children, and her nephew were traveling along when all of a sudden their world changed. In the matter of seconds, the excitement still lingering from the holidays and the anticipation of returning to the final semester of this school year were a fleeting memory. Crash. Shattering glass. Crunching metal. Squealing tires. Screams. Silence. Is everyone ok? What just happened? Where am I? I don't know the thoughts of that mother as the moments after the accident happened, or even if she was conscious. In just a matter of seconds, this mother and her nephew were injured and in need of immediate medical care. Her two young sons are gone. Never again to play with the toys they got for Christmas. Never again to laugh and play with their friends. Never to experience the joy of graduation, marriage, becoming fathers. Never again. Two counties away, a father is being told that there's been an accident. An EMT who understands all to well what tragedies can come from traffic accidents. Never really thinking that it would be him on the other side of the situation. Who told him? Was he on the seen? What's he thinking? How do I tell my wife that our boys are gone? Will we survive this? I can only imagine how it would feel to know that in a matter of seconds your entire world has been dramatically and tragically altered. The only thing I can do is to pray. Pray for this precious family. Pray for the father who will have to be an emotional rock for his wife, who is still in need of surgeries and therapy. Pray for the mother who has to face the reality that she was behind the wheel the night her babies died. Pray for the nephew who was also in the vehicle. Pray for the parents of these key players in this tragedy. Pray that this family knows the amazing comfort that is Jesus Christ and that those precious babies are now walking with him and will suffer no more. Pray that they can have the understanding and comfort that this life is but a fleeting moment and they will see their boys again. Pray. Pray. Pray.
Earlier on this same day, another life was tragically coming to an end. A life that touched so many people in just 26 short years. A life that was so promising....on the outside. On the inside, there was hurt, depression, helplessness. A young man with so much responsibility at such a young age. In a matter of seconds, this young man felt that there was no other way out, no other option than to take his own life. A wife, twin 7 month old girls, parents, extended family and friends. All left behind to try to make sense of the helplessness that you felt. I can't even begin to imagine how they felt. I only know how I felt the moment I found out the news. I was shocked. I think I was literally in a state of shock. I didn't "feel" anything. I didn't think that I was entitled to feel sad or angry because I only knew you for a season and even then it was in passing. For almost two days, I didn't "feel". I walked around in a sort of fog. I went through the motions of living my life, but I wasn't really present. I saw without really seeing; spoke with automatic responses; spaced out. Monday, Jan 7 I finally started to feel again. And I was angry. I was so angry at you for leaving your beautiful wife and girls to face this life without you. Though there were problems going on, and no one can really know what you felt, I was angry. Did you know what you were doing? Did you even think about your daughters in the moments before you ended it all? Did you think about your family-your parents? Brothers and sisters? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents? And in the midst of all of these questions and the anger I felt, I had a disturbing revelation. If someone like you, someone so grounded in your faith, someone who truly knew what it meant to be a servant, could be affected to such a level as to take his own life, then any of us could be affected. All it takes is one thing, one minute little thing, for Satan to get his foot in the door. The hell that he raises once inside is devastating. Not everyone can handle it. And he knows just how to twist and manipulate and explode that weakness to the point of no return. Then, and only then, is the destruction he produces evident to the rest of us. I can't say that that revelation made me feel better, but surprisingly it eased my anger. For two hours I waited to pay my last respects. Many times I thought of just leaving the funeral home. I didn't really know anyone. I'd never met your parents or siblings. Yes, several times I almost stepped out of line and went back home. But I didn't. I thought over and over about what I would say when I finally got to the front of the line. Would there be numbness? Would they even remember I was there? Would I matter? Do you really understand how much your son's life inspired others?
Finally, it was my turn to see you. To see your mother. I finally cried when your mom reached her arms out to me and hugged me. I introduced myself and told how much you'd touched my life in the just the few short years that I'd know you. But it was totally different than I'd expected it to be. When she asked who I was, she really wanted to know. She really hugged me. She was really appreciative that I'd come to pay my respects. In that instant, I knew everything would be ok. I knew that your family shared the same faith that you'd demonstrated time and again. She knew that, even though the circumstances were very, very tragic, she would see you again some day. I've only experienced that feeling one other time following the death of a loved one. It's the feeling of God's presence in the midst of tragedy. It's the peace and comfort that only He can provide. I sat in my car for a while after I left and just cried. And cried. And cried. I understood that I needed to be at that place, in that moment, and experience God's spirit in such a mighty and comforting way. Hugh Hagen, you were an amazing young man and I consider myself truly blessed to have known you, if only for a short time. I look forward to sharing paradise with you when my time comes.
I've wanted to write this entry for 8 days now. I finally came to a place where I could put these feelings into words and let go once and for all. I finally came to the understanding that God is in control and that it's ok to let go of the wheel. I don't have to be in control and have it all together 100% of the time. It's ok to cry.....Ok to be angry......Ok to yell and scream.......Ok to be scared.....Ok to feel anything and everything.......Ok not to be perfect......Ok to..........Ok.....
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
First Time for Everything
I've never been much for blogging, but I've recently decided to that it would be a creative outlet for me. I don't feel this is a place for me to vent my most personal feelings or dealings with life, but sometimes it's just nice to share events, feelings, epiphanies, etc in a setting that's a little more than facebook, twitter, and like venues. Sometimes, you just need to write.
2013. Wow. I can't believe that 13 years ago I was getting ready to start high school. If you'd told me 13 years ago that I would be married to a wonderful man, be blessed with a wonderful job, be a homeowner, and live 5 hours away from my hometown and my family, I might would have laughed at you. Now, I've always known that I wouldn't move back to my hometown of Cairo, GA after college. But I truly never expected any of the other things. I was 100% positive that I would be pushing 30 before I would find a job I love and be established in a community, let alone be married and a homeowner. That just goes to show that you can tell God your plans until you're blue in the face, but His plans will still trump yours any day of the week. :)
I feel very blessed to have achieved all of the above activities, however, I am still failing in so many aspects of life. I was saved at 11 years old and was blessed to be raised in a family that taught me that values and faith, both morally and spiritually, mean so much more than always "fitting in". I strayed, like we all do, but I always knew where my roots were grounded...and had the conscience to go with it. I am making strides to improve this area of my life, but still have so far to go. My first resolution this new year is to give God complete control, and trust Him to guide me and my family in all that we do.
Resolutions are made by us all, every year at this time, and we all, for the most part, fail at keeping most or all of these resolutions. Along with my first resolution, I will also make a conscious effort to study the Word. My eyes have really been opened in the last few months to the fact that I can't be the best Christian possible unless I am in God's Word daily. I tried this last year, and failed miserably. I am asking my brothers and sisters in Christ to hold me responsible in completing this goal.
My final resolution is to live a healthy lifestyle. I don't just mean losing weight or trying diet after diet after diet. I am talking about a true lifestyle change. This will include the above mentioned resolutions as well as being physically healthy. I recently purchased the book Made to Crave and really like the way it ties in spiritual health with physical health. Basically, you can't be physically healthy until you are spiritually healthy. This book helps you to be able to accomplish both simultaneously. I am looking forward to the new me.
I would be remiss if I didn't wish everyone a very Happy New Year. I wish you all a year full of blessings, health, happiness, and success.
2013. Wow. I can't believe that 13 years ago I was getting ready to start high school. If you'd told me 13 years ago that I would be married to a wonderful man, be blessed with a wonderful job, be a homeowner, and live 5 hours away from my hometown and my family, I might would have laughed at you. Now, I've always known that I wouldn't move back to my hometown of Cairo, GA after college. But I truly never expected any of the other things. I was 100% positive that I would be pushing 30 before I would find a job I love and be established in a community, let alone be married and a homeowner. That just goes to show that you can tell God your plans until you're blue in the face, but His plans will still trump yours any day of the week. :)
I feel very blessed to have achieved all of the above activities, however, I am still failing in so many aspects of life. I was saved at 11 years old and was blessed to be raised in a family that taught me that values and faith, both morally and spiritually, mean so much more than always "fitting in". I strayed, like we all do, but I always knew where my roots were grounded...and had the conscience to go with it. I am making strides to improve this area of my life, but still have so far to go. My first resolution this new year is to give God complete control, and trust Him to guide me and my family in all that we do.
Resolutions are made by us all, every year at this time, and we all, for the most part, fail at keeping most or all of these resolutions. Along with my first resolution, I will also make a conscious effort to study the Word. My eyes have really been opened in the last few months to the fact that I can't be the best Christian possible unless I am in God's Word daily. I tried this last year, and failed miserably. I am asking my brothers and sisters in Christ to hold me responsible in completing this goal.
My final resolution is to live a healthy lifestyle. I don't just mean losing weight or trying diet after diet after diet. I am talking about a true lifestyle change. This will include the above mentioned resolutions as well as being physically healthy. I recently purchased the book Made to Crave and really like the way it ties in spiritual health with physical health. Basically, you can't be physically healthy until you are spiritually healthy. This book helps you to be able to accomplish both simultaneously. I am looking forward to the new me.
I would be remiss if I didn't wish everyone a very Happy New Year. I wish you all a year full of blessings, health, happiness, and success.
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